If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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