Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
