How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
