Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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