a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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