yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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