It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
