He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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