this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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