i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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