I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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