those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
