My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
