My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
