I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
