I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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