3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
