I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
