I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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