who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
