uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
