The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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