apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
