so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
