i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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