omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm really busy with my period
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