I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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