well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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