why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
