I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
