Well douche your snatch and let's go!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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