The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
