The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
