so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
