This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
