my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
