I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
