see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
