i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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