So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
