I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
