Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize