I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
