YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
