The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
