we're making bets on your personal life
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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