U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize