dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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