He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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