i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
