the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
