alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
