You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i've created a new STD.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
