I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
