my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You smell like stripper and shame
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
