I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize