matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
