I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
